


Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker

by Karin1232



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Harry Centric, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Crying, Loving boyfriends, Self-Harm, Set in 2014, bulimic, depressed!harry, don't read if this triggers you, mentions of bulimia, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 23:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15279072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karin1232/pseuds/Karin1232
Summary: “It’s set then,” Nate told them, looking everyone in the eyes before continuing, “If you work hard and give 100 percent every single time it won’t even be that much!”“Sure,” Niall scoffed, laughing.“Niall,” Liam scolded his band mate, sounding a little bit like a father, making Niall roll his eyes.“I mean it. This is ridiculous,” the blond boy argued. “Look at this,” he said, holding up the paper to prove his point. “We have like one free day every three weeks. I just don’t think that this will help any of us or Harry for the matter!”ORthe one where Harry has suffered from depression, One Direction is about to go on tour again and even though everyone is around he is still slipping through the cracks againTRIGGER WARNING: Depression, Self-Harm, throwing up (Bulimia)





	Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker

„So here is your schedule for the following weeks,” Nate, one of their managers said as he handed the boys some papers.

It was a typical rainy day in London, the weather having been shit all week but instead of enjoying their time at home, playing playstation, watching TV or maybe even visiting their loved ones, the boys of One Direction had been busy. As usual.

“Well that is a lot,” Liam stated as he ran his eyes over the sheets, looking for some free time.

“You’re starting with rehearsals for the upcoming tour on Monday, there are some photoshoots and we need to start working on the album unless you want to do most of it on the road again.”

“I think we’ll pass,” Louis remarked bitterly, only remembering how hard it had been to record an album whilst being on the road, getting woken up by some members of their time at unruly hours to record some lines.

“It’s set then,” Nate told them, looking everyone in the eyes before continuing, “If you work hard and give 100 percent every single time it won’t even be that much!”

“Sure,” Niall scoffed, laughing.

“Niall,” Liam scolded his band mate, sounding a little bit like a father, making Niall roll his eyes.

“I mean it. This is ridiculous,” the blond boy argued. “Look at this,” he said, holding up the paper to prove his point. “We have like one free day every three weeks. I just don’t think that this will help any of us or Harry for the matter!”

Harry, who had been staring at their timetable, raised his head as he heard Niall say his name. The thing about One Direction was a little bit complicated.

The five boys called Harry, Liam, Louis, Niall and Zayn had been put into a band by no one else than Simon Cowell nearly four years ago. They had auditioned as solo artists at the British X-Factor and the judges had decided that putting them in a band was the better idea.

They had been completely right and the boys had bonded instantly, promising each other to make this work. It hadn’t taken long until they had started liking each other a little bit more than friends. At first it had been Harry who had always wanted to be touched and cuddled by his bandmates, the boys brushing it off by saying that he needed this since he was the youngest member of their band.

However after a few more weeks they had started cuddling more, holding hands whilst walking through bigger crowds or placing soft kisses on each other’s heads. After finishing the competition on third place they had been crushed, not knowing what was going to happen but their fans had proved them wrong, supporting them all the way and a few months later their first album had gone straight to number one in more than ten countries.

The boys had gotten to know each other like brothers and then it had happened that Liam had confessed his feelings to the other boys, scared shitless about their reactions but when Niall had started laughing, telling him that he felt just the same but had been too scared to say something things had worked out easily.

From that day on the five boys had become boyfriends. It probably still wasn’t something that happened often but they all loved each other equally and were still going strong after nearly two and a half years of being together.

Even though the boys now had each other to count on they still had their families and being away from them for so long was still just as bad as before. They missed their loved ones dearly and sometimes things just got too much.

Last year they had gone on world tour. They had been on the road for eight months, playing a total of 123 shows all around the world. It had been a fantastic time but it had also been a lot of work. Between touring they had recorded their next album on the road, not having the time to go to a studio. They had had to do interviews and photo shootings between performing, travelling and being jetlagged.

Harry, who was the youngest member of the band, only twenty years old, had had a hard time keeping up with their schedule. Somewhere along the way he had slipped away from his boyfriends, the pressure getting too much.

Niall still used to think back to the day where everything had come crashing down.

*

_Harry was sitting on the cold bathroom floor, knees pressed to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, rocking back and forth whilst trying to calm himself down._

_Tears were streaming down his face like a waterfall, sobs racking through his body._

_The curly haired boy honestly didn’t even know why he was feeling so down lately but he simply felt like the world was suffocating him. One Direction was in the midst of their world tour, currently touring through the US. There was a lot of pressure, their management-team telling them constantly that they needed to work hard to get things done and Harry was tired, so tired._

_He barely get more than four hours of sleep every single night before being woken up by one of their personal trainers for a morning workout. After that Harry got breakfast and then they usually had to do some interviews with the local newspapers and TV stations. Afterwards they had a little lunch break before having a photoshoot, a fitting for some clothes, a meeting with management, a recording session or something like that. Then they usually got to the concert venue, having to meet fans and doing soundcheck before being ushered into make up and styling before being pushed on stage, having to put on a great show._

_After the concert they probably had to do even more recording, going to sleep wide after midnight._

_The past few days had been exactly like that. There hadn’t been time to take a breath, to sit down and rest, to get some more sleep. Harry had barely seen his boyfriends and if he did they didn’t even have time to have a normal conversation, someone always on their throats needing them to do something._

_Things had changed a lot lately and even though Harry loved his job he was simply tired. He was missing his family, his friends, his life back at home in Holmes Chapel. He missed having a chat with his mother outside in their garden, drinking home-made ice tea and having a laugh._

_Harry loved the fans, he truly did but they had gotten a little bit overwhelming. Wherever he or any of the boys showed up, they’d scream, shove cameras into their faces, try to touch them. A lot of times their security team had to call the police for backup, not able to deal with so many fans on their own. Niall was claustrophobic so they always looked out for him, trying to keep him as far away from such crowds as possible, the boys always making sure that he was walking in the middle so that they didn’t even have a chance to touch him._

_Harry also didn’t like these crowds and today it had been bad again. He had gone out with Mark, one of their personal trainers, to do a workout at the local gym while the other boys had gone to a studio, recording some bits of their new songs._

_When Harry and Mark had gotten back to the hotel the fans had gone crazy, stopping the van from moving further, climbing on the car, trying to open the door. They had banged their hands on the window, desperately wanting to get Harry’s attention but he hadn’t even looked at them, too shocked and too tired._

_After what had felt like forever some police officers had shown up, trying to get rid of all those fans blocking the car. Harry had felt like some animal at the Zoo, being stared at by hundreds of people. Once they had managed to get out off the car in the garage Harry had bolted for the stairs, needing to get some air._

_He had quickly explained to Mark that he was just going to his room before sprinting up the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator._

_This had been about an hour ago and Harry had yet to calm down. His entire body was still shaking, his heart racing._

_He thought about calling his boyfriends but he definitely didn’t want them to worry about him so he decided against doing so. One of Harry’s hands had been pressed into his arm, nails digging into the skin, the pain feeling good and before Harry even knew what he was doing he got up on shaky legs and reached for his toiletry bag. Digging through it he found what he had been looking for before sitting down again, his back pressed against the bathtub._

_Harry’s legs were now stretched out in front of him. He was holding a small scissors in his right hand, pressing it to his left wrist. He felt pain instantly and then pressed down, his skin breaking at the contact. At first Harry didn’t feel anything but once he saw the blood he also felt the pain and relief wash over him._

_For some reason he felt like he was relieving some stress so he pushed the blade over his skin once more. After the fifth cut Harry didn’t feel pain anymore. His body had gone completely numb, his mind only mesmerized by the red chrisom dropping on the tiles._

_Harry didn’t stop running the blade over his skin until he began to feel dizzy, black spots dancing in front of his eyes. He barely noticed that someone had walked into the room until he was being shaken._

_“Harry? My god Harry can you hear me?” Liam asked, voice frantic, face pale._

_Liam, Louis, Niall and Zayn had been at the studio for a few hours, recording some solos for their upcoming album. Harry had decided to spend the day with Mark, wanting to do some more training and so the others had gone to the studio._

_Recording had been boring, all of them not really interested in doing so, way too tired from all the stress they had been put under. Of course the four boys had noticed that Harry had gotten silent, wanting to be left alone quite a lot lately but knowing their lover they had decided not to pressure him. He’d come to them if he needed them._

_So when the four boys got back to the hotel a little bit earlier than expected they were surprised to find Marko sitting in the lobby of the hotel, checking the entrance every now and then to make sure that they fans didn’t come inside and sit around to wait for one of the boys to show up. It was_ _something that the fans loved doing but first it would be too much if they all waited inside of the hotel and second it was disturbing some other people who were actually staying at the hotel._

_“What are you doing here? I thought you were training with Harry?” Zayn questioned once the door closed behind them, blocking out the screams from the fans waiting outside._

_“We went to the gym but he wasn’t really up for it. Then we got back and got mobbed so that we needed to call the police for help. He was a little bit shaken so he got back to his room.”_

_“Why didn’t you call us?” Niall questioned, raising his voice a little bit._

_He hated knowing that one of his boyfriends was upset without him being able to help._

_“He’s a big boy he can take care of himself and you’re here now anyway,” Mark argued and Louis only rolled his eyes, not wanting to discuss this further, wanting to go to Harry._

_“Let’s go to Haz now!”_

_Once the boys got up to their room they wasted no time going in but were surprised to see that Harry wasn’t lying in bed like they had imagined._

_“What was that?” Liam questioned as he shushed the other boys, trying to make out where the sound was coming from._

_At first he didn’t even know what he was hearing but he soon realized that someone was crying in the bathroom and it could only be Harry._

_He quickly made his way over to the bathroom, the other three boys right on his heels and pushed the door open without knocking, knowing that his lover needed them._

_None of them was prepared for what they saw once the door was being opened._

_Harry was sitting on the cold, bathroom floor, his back pressed against the bathtub, his legs spread in front of him. He was holding an object that Liam didn’t see properly in his right hand, whilst his other arm was bleeding quite badly, blood dripping on Harry’s jeans, soaking them and dripping on the floor._

_Harry’s face was pale, his eyes about to roll back into his head, only the whites were showing. Tears were running down the boy’s face, dripping down onto his lap._

_“Harry? My god can you hear me?” Liam nearly yelled as he dropped to his knees right next to Harry, shaking the boy by his shoulders._

_Louis and Zayn went into action as well, grabbing towels and reaching for the scissors that was now lying limply in Harry’s hand, throwing it away in disgust._

_Niall continued to stand in the doorway, eyes fixed on his boyfriend, his face already moist with tears._

_“Hazza? Come one don’t do this to us,” Louis begged as he ran his hands through Harry’s curls, gripping his cheeks with boy of his hands._

_Harry moaned loudly as Zayn pressed some towels on Harry’s arm, trying to stop the bleeding._

_“Shh, you’re going to be okay,” Liam reassured his boyfriend, watching as he tried to focus on Louis._

_“Should we call for an ambulance?”_

_“Some of these definitely need stitches and he’s lost a lot of blood,” Zayn stated once he realized that blood was already seeping through the towel._

_“Niall can you do this?”_

_“Niall?”_

_“Niall, come on I need you to focus!” Liam said as he got back up and walked over to his blond boyfriend, the boy shaking like crazy, his eyes focused on Harry who was about to lose his battle with consciousness._

_Upon seeing how shaken Niall was, Liam quickly wrapped his arms around the smaller boy before pulling out his phone of his pocket, dialing 911. After he had told the operator what was going on he also called Mark telling him to let the paramedics come up to their room._

_Harry felt like he was floating. One moment he was about to lose consciousness and the next moment someone was shouting at him, shaking him. His mind was fuzzy but he somehow realized that his boyfriends were here, the feeling of love spreading in his chest._

_Hands were all over his body and then something was pressed against his arm, making him moan loudly. Sweet words were being whispered into his ear, hands running through his hair but the world became darker and darker trying to suffocate him._

_“Harry, stay with me,” someone pleaded but the voice was far away, the ringing sound in the boys’ ear getting louder and louder._

_“I’m losing him,” Zayn stated, pressing yet another towel to Harry’s arm, his own hands shaking like crazy._

_Harry’s face was pale and clammy, his eyes rolling back into his head, not able to focus on anything._

_“We got you love. You’re going to be okay,” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear, wiping away some of the tears on his boyfriends cheek._

_He turned over to face both Liam and Niall who were standing in the doorway, looking at the with concern and fear written over their faces. The Irish boy looked like he was about to pass out himself, his expression worrisome, his hands visibly shaking as he held onto Liam who was trying really hard to hide his emotions._

_“No Harry, no, no, no,” Louis chanted as he turned back around to face the younger boy seeing his head drop forward, losing his fight with consciousness._

_“Where is that freaking ambulance?” Zayn nearly yelled and a few moments later they heard them walk into the room._

_-_

_“What happened?” the paramedic, a young woman in her twenties, asked once she stepped into the bathroom._

_“He hurt himself with these scissors,” Louis explained and then moved back to allow the medics to go to work._

_The four boys stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching closely as Harry was being treated, his arm being bandaged and an IV being put into his arm, providing him with fluids._

_All of their eyes were moist with tears, some of them rolling down their cheeks. Zayn’s hands were bloody from where he had pressed onto the wounds on his boyfriends arm and they all looked completely lost seeing their boyfriend like this._

_There was only one thought running through their heads: Why?_

_Of course they had noticed that Harry had become a little bit distant lately, brushing it off with saying that he was probably simply homesick and stressed like they all were. He was his cheeky self on stage and treated everyone with so much kindness, always offering smiles to everyone from the crew._

_“We should get you to the hospital now,” Mark announced as he appeared right behind the boys, watching with careful eyes how Harry was being loaded on a stretcher, having yet to regain consciousness._

_“Let’s go,” Liam replied and nodded, knowing that Mark was right. They’d meet Harry at the hospital and then get answers to all of their questions._

*

_Severe form of depression. Exhaustion, Lack of sleep. Burn out._

_All these things were being said about Harry. After being treated at the hospital a doctor had come over to them, explaining what was going on with Harry._

_He had stated that Harry was suffering form depression, his body simply shutting down completely, his mind too poisoned by bad thoughts to keep functionating. It had apparently been only a matter of time until Harry snapped and today had simply pushed him over the edge. The doctor had explained that things like that needed to grow before turning into something like what had happened also explaining that it would’ve been hard to notice the small signs with their jobs._

_He had listed lack of sleep and insomnia but they were always jetlagged or too hyper to go to sleep before being woken up after getting three of four hours of sleep. A change of behavior was another indicator that something was wrong but the boys had also brushed it off knowing that it sometimes simply got too much._

_Of course the boys were now all blaming themselves for not realizing that their boyfriend was slipping away, too caught up in their own lives to notice that something was wrong but Dr. Miller quickly stopped them from blaming themselves explaining that these things sometimes happened in such a short amount of time._

_He also explained that Harry was okay. He had been treated, some of the cuts needing stitches the others not too deep to need medical attention. The doctor had also spoken to Harry and had scheduled an appointment with a therapist for him. He also informed them that everyone was dealing with this different. Some people loved going back to work while others needed weeks months even to bounce back to normal, the demons on high alert in their heads._

_Upon having this conversation with the doctor the four boys made their way over to Harry’s room, unsure what to expect._

_“Let’s go,” Zayn nudged Niall whose hand was resting on the doorknob._

_Slowly the blond boy opened the door and walked into the room, smiling when he saw that Harry was sitting up in his bed, his arm bandaged an IV plucked into his other hand._

_“Oh baby,” Louis whispered sweetly as he walked over to his boyfriend, pressing  a soft kiss to Harry’s lips._

_The young boy looked down, not daring to meet his lovers eyes, playing with the hem of his nightgown. His bottom lip was trembling and before he could do anything about it he was crying again, fat tears rolling down his face._

_“Baby what’s wrong?” Niall asked as he moved closer to his boyfriend, sitting down on the side of the bed._

_All of the boys were standing right around the bed, holding Harry’s hand, running their hands through his curls, rubbing their hands up and down his legs in a comforting way._

_“I..,” Harry sobbed, unable to say the words. “’m sorry!”_

_“Haz, no,” Liam said, waiting for Harry to look him in the eye before continuing. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Everything is going to be okay. We’re going to get through this together!”_

_“Liam is right,” Zayn jumped in before Harry even had the chance to say something, “You need to focus on yourself now. You need to get better the rest isn’t important.”_

_Of course the boys had already imagined that Harry would blame himself. It was a typical thing for Harry to do so. Always blaming himself and feeling like he was letting everyone down._

_“Listen Haz,” Louis started to say, knowing that his boyfriend would agree on his words. “You have to focus on yourself now. We’re going to be here every step of the way and we’ll get you through this. If you want to go home and cancel this tour and we’ll do so. If you want to continue then we will but you have to let us in. You have to talk to us, explain what’s going on in that head of yours.”_

_For Harry it had been out of question to know what he wanted to do. He still felt responsible for a lot of things and he definitely didn’t want to cancel the rest of their world tour. Touring or actually being on stage was the best part of this job and he couldn’t let them all down and so it didn’t take long for him to decide that he was going to stay right here with his boyfriends._

_*_

_From this day on things had been different between the boys. They had gotten even more attached to each other, helping Harry heal. Liam had made a fuss about their packed schedule literally telling their management to either cut it down or to fuck themselves if they refused to. Harry had soon learned that he was loved by everyone, not just his boyfriends._

_The four boys had been his anchors but everyone else on their team had been just as willing to help. They had started asking him constantly if he was doing okay and Harry had then promised them that it had been a one-time thing and that he wasn’t going to hurt himself again._

_He had explained the bandages on his arm saying that he had burned himself and after the bandages had been off he had worn long sleeved shirts to hide the fading cuts and small scars._

_Their tour had been an absolute success and with the help of his lovers and everyone else around him Harry had managed to climb out of this hole, focusing on himself instead of worrying about letting others down too much._

***

So here they were now, sitting in their managers office looking at their packed schedule. Harry felt sick to his stomach just looking at the papers. He knew that they needed to work but he definitely wasn’t up for this. Again.

He smiled as he heard Niall and all of the boys come to his rescue, literally telling their manager to shut up.

“I can do this,” he heard himself say, looking at his boyfriends with a slight smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You heard him. Harry is a big boy, he can handle this,” Nate argued while Louis only rolled his eyes.

“If something happens you’re to blame,” he hissed before resting his hand on Harry’s knee, squeezing it gently.

“Harry are you sure that you’re up for this? It’s okay to say if it is too much,” Liam told his younger boyfriend, ready to pick another fight if needed.

Harry sighed looking at the paper in his hand once again. Yes, this was a lot of work but he had been in this good mental place lately, feeling happy and confident and so he was quite sure that he could do this. He knew very well that his little break down last year had crushed his lovers, feeling responsible for letting Harry slip so far without them noticing but he had told them quite a few times already that it had simply happened, everything getting too much momentarily.

He had never referred to him as being depressed but apparently even his own family had believed what the doctor had told them. Yes, he had been tired and stressed out but then again it wasn’t really that important anyway because he had gotten over it.

“I’m fine,” he once again said while Nate just clapped his hands.

“Amazing so now go home and make sure to be at the studio at 10 on Monday!”

*

Exactly five weeks after they had started rehearsing for their upcoming tour the boys hit the road. This tour was going to be bigger than the last one, with them selling out stadiums instead of arenas. The tickets for this tour had sold out within minutes, people being desperate to see them live.

It was the end of April now, the last five weeks had been packed with rehearsals, some photo shootings and some recording for their next album as well. Their schedule had been packed but Harry had managed to do everything without feeling like he was drowning. Everyone around him, including his boyfriends, always made sure that he was okay.

Lou, their stylist always listened to Harry whenever he needed to talk to someone else than the boys, her daughter Lux making Harry smile on a daily basis. The boys used to check Harry’s wrists every day, telling him that they were really proud of him when they didn’t find new cuts.

Even though Harry had told them that this had been a one-time-thing they still liked to make sure that he was telling the truth and honestly Harry didn’t care. It made him feel special and loved, his heart filling with even more love.

The boys were going to perform 69 shows on their “Where We are Tour” all across the world. They were going to South America first, heading to Europe before going to North America. All of them were really excited about this.

The stage was so much bigger than on the last tour, there were going to be up to 80.000 people and this was indeed massive. Four years ago the boys hadn’t even known each other and now they had taken over the world by storm, teenage girls going crazy about them.

It would be an understatement to say that they were all nervous when they walked into Heathrow Airport. They were kicking off their tour in three days in Bogota, Colombia and were all so excited about it.

They had barely slept the night before, talking the whole night about how lucky they were and how amazing this tour was going to be.

“I love you,” Louis sweetly whispered into his boyfriend Zayn’s ear, entwining their fingers.

The boys were all quite aware of the fact that Zayn wasn’t very fond of flying, hating the feeling of being “trapped” inside of an airplane and so they always tried to keep his mind from worrying too much and making himself sick.

It was one thing that made the fans like them even more: them being human.

Sometimes celebrities tried to act like nothing was bothering them, like they were okay with everything happening but the boys of One Direction had never done such thing.

Zayn had always talked openly about his anxiety, about the fact that he sometimes get very nervous before boarding an airplane while Niall always talked openly about his fear of big crowds. He had been claustrophobic ever since he had been little.

It made them human and it proved their fans that it was okay not to be okay all of the time and that no one had to hide their true feelings.

“You’re going to be just fine,” Liam also reassured his boyfriend as they made their way over to security check.

Heathrow Airport was so big that they offered a special service to celebrities so that they didn’t have to deal with long ques or people freaking out because One Direction was standing in the same line then they were.

There was this little private area where famous people could check in and so it was rather calm going through security check. Their entire team was flying to Colombia today so it was going to be a quiet flight with a lot of people that worked for them being on board as well.

“Niiii,” Lux, their stylists’ daughter screamed happily as he ran around the airport, crashing into Niall’s leg, wrapping her small arms around his knees.

“Yes baby girl?” Niall asked sweetly as he picked her up and swirled her around.

It was a blessing having babies on tour with them because it was so much more fun. They had met their stylist Lou at the X-Factor, the young woman instantly befriending the teenagers and when their success had started it had been Harry who had wanted Lou to join them on the road.

The woman had already been pregnant back then but they had promised to make this work and so she was now always on the road with them, being a constant part of their team. Her daughter Lux was two and a half years old already and she was a sunshine, always claiming someone’s attention and being a mischievous little girl.

Lou, her boyfriend Tom and Lux were definitely more than friends to these boys. They were more like siblings to them.

“Boys, boarding is ready,” Paul, the head of their security team told them about an hour later and everyone got up from their seats to board the plane.

The flight to Colombia had been a smooth one without any turbulences and the boys were quite happy when the plane landed. It was warm, the sun was shining high up in the sky and after being on a plane for hours, the boys happily agreed to the offer of being picked up at a private area of the airport since they had been told that fans were already waiting outside.

It really wasn’t that the boys weren’t happy with meeting their fans but sometimes it simply got too much so taking a private exit seemed to be a really good idea today.

They were all tired, not having been able to sleep on the plane and it was sometime in the afternoon when they got off the plane so getting to the hotel rather quick seemed to be a really good idea.

“Okay boys, this way,” Paul, their bodyguard and head of their security team announced and guided the five boys through the airport.

“God I just want to sleep,” Louis mumbled while Harry wordlessly wrapped his arm around the older boy, pulling him close.

“Just a little bit longer,” he replied and only a few moments later they reached a car park where the all got into a van.

Once they drove off they went past the doors of the airport and only caught a glimpse of the amount of teenage girls standing inside of the building. Even through the closed windows they could hear them scream.

“Thank god we didn’t have to do this today,” Niall said and everyone else nodded in agreement.

The drive through Bogota was calm, taking only about 25 minutes until the arrived at their hotel. Just like before people were already waiting outside and it once again surprised all of them that their fans actually seemed to know everything about their schedule.

“We’ll park in the back,” Paul quickly said as he eyed the crowd, actually also not interested in holding back screaming girls today. He just wanted to go to bed as well.

Their team had booked an entire floor at the hotel, like usual. The boys got a suite with a very large king-size-bed, their only claim like always. They didn’t care about the size of the suite or if there was a gym at the hotel. They didn’t care if their windows faced the city or a curtilage. They just wanted a king-size-bed where they could all fit in together.

Niall was the first one to jump on the bed, not even caring to get out off his shoes. He just wanted to sleep forever.

“Come on babe get a shower and then we’re all going to sleep,” Liam said in his sweet voice as he looked at his boyfriend who yawned loudly.

“Can I shower with you?” Niall questioned sleepily.

“Of course, cupcake!”

About thirty minutes later all of the boys had showered and were lying in their bed. It was just the beginning of their tour and they had just said goodbye to their families a little while ago but being at the other side of the world always seemed to be quite weird so they were all very happy that they at least had each other. Tonight they fell asleep into each other’s arms, dreaming about their upcoming world tour.

*

“This is going to be sick,” Zayn stated as he stood on stage at “Estadio El Campin” in Bogota.

Today the boys were going to play their first headline show at a stadium and this was indeed massive. The five boys had spent the last three days preparing for their tour. They had slept, trying to overcome their jetlag pretty quick and then their team had had them all come together for one last meeting before the tour was about to begin.

Even though the five boys had played tons of shows already the beginning of a tour always made them pretty nervous, their insides jingling.

“This is going to be the best tour ever,” Niall replied with a big smile plastered on his face, putting his guitar aside.

“We’re going to rock this,” Louis also added and then looked around the stage, looking for Harry.

He then spotted his curly haired boyfriend sitting at the end of the catwalk, his shoulders slumped.

Ever since Harry had broken down the year before the boys had made it their responsibility to look after their youngest boyfriend, never wanting to see Harry in such a state ever again.

It had scared the shit out of them to see their usual smiling lover so broken and worn-out. They knew that Harry tended to take things by heart, negative comments always hitting him harder than anyone else and so they had taken matters into their own hands to help Harry get better.

Right now they had done everything they could to make sure their schedule wasn’t as tight as last year, leaving some time to recharge and take a breath. However Harry’s mind still tended to go back to this dark place leaving him with self-doubts and a slight level of anxiety.

“Boys,” Louis spoke, pointing at Harry.

All of the boys turned around and their smiles faltered a little bit when they spotted their lover sitting all by himself, not knowing what was going on inside of his head. Without talking they made their way down the catwalk over to where Harry was sitting.

“Babe what’s wrong?” Niall asked sweetly as he plotted down right next to his lover, wrapping his arm around Harry’s shoulder.

Harry didn’t acknowledge Niall at first, his eyes wandering around the stadium.

“Haz?” Liam questioned, raising his voice a little bit.

Harry bit his tongue, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to leave his eyes. Everything was once again overwhelming him. They were at the other side of the world, fans were relying on them and before their tour had even started Harry already felt the pressure on his shoulders again. He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. First, on small crystal bead escaped from his right eye.

He could feel the warmth, sliding down his cheek and rolling off his chin. Then another and another.

Turning his head he locked eyes with Niall, nearly getting lost in them before whispering.

“I don’t want to mess this up!”

Arms wrapped around Harry immediately, pulling him away from the edge in the process. Harry let his lovers manhandle him until he found himself sitting in the middle of the stage, bodies wrapped around him

“Hazza shh you’re not going to mess up,” someone, Zayn, reassured his boyfriend and placed a soft kiss on the top of his head.

“What makes you even think that?” Louis questioned, wondering what this was all about.

Harry only shrugged, not knowing what to say.

“We’re in this together, okay?” Louis reminded his boyfriend before squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. “If things get too much you have to let us know! But there is one thing that I do know for sure – you’re not going to mess up!”

Harry forced a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes but nodded his head nevertheless, the other boys not looking convinced.

“Babe are you okay right now? What is really going on in this head of yours?” Liam asked, worried about Harrys behavior.

“I’m just nervous I guess,” Harry whispered not really knowing why he was feeling this way.

They were kicking off their stadium tour today and he got to travel the world with his boyfriends and performing in front of thousands of people nearly every night. They was going to be such an amazing experience, an opportunity that not many people got in life and so he knew that he should feel happy.

However this feeling inside of Harry’s stomach sucked the happiness right out of him, leaving him feeling empty.

“You’re so going to rock this!” Niall stated, running his hand through Harry’s chocolate brown curls.

“Harry, show me your wrists,” Liam ordered all of a sudden and Harry’s eyes went wide, the other boys looking over at him in shock as well.

“Liam, I didn’t…”

“Just show me okay? I need to see that you’re okay!”

Looking over to the other three boys and seeing them eye him expectantly Harry undid the bracelets around his wrists.

Since the incident last year he was sure to over his arms up because two of his cuts had scarred and he definitely didn’t want anyone to find out what had happened. A shiver ran down Harry’s spine as he imagined the headlines and stories coming up if people ever found out.

Liam gently wrapped his hands around Harry’s forearms, eyeing his wrists. He smiled when he didn’t find any new cuts or bruises and placed his lips softly to Harry’s wrists, kissing them gently.

“I’m so proud of you!” he whispered in a sweet voice while Harry only smiled.

“How about we get something to eat now? I’m starving,” Niall suddenly said, breaking the tension.

Everyone started laughing because this boy was always hungry.

Both Zayn and Louis held their hands out for Harry to take and so the five boys walked off stage, knowing that they were going to be just fine.

*

For a few weeks everything seemed to be okay. All of the boy’s fears had disappeared right after their first stadium show in Colombia. They had literally smashed it, fans going wild.

People on the internet had partied hard over the new stage, the setlist, their looks and just the concert over all.

From that day on things had gotten a little more hectic but Zayn, Liam, Louis and Niall always made sure that there wasn’t too much stress and pressure on them.

Harry felt good. He really did. He had enjoyed his time just as much as the others. He had let go of his own insecurities and had soon started to enjoy his time. He had smiled whenever one of his lovers checked his wrists to see if he was really telling the truth, knowing that he was loved.

He had spent time with the crew as well, Lou and her daughter Lux being his absolute favorites. Just two and a half weeks later the boys had been on a plane back home, their next leg of their tour being Europe and the UK.

They were supposed to have ten days off to relax but things went downhill pretty fast. At first it had been just an interview but then due to so many people taking interest in One Direction their management had decided to make them even bigger, organizing even more interviews and photo shootings without asking them first, their days off new replaced with days full of promotion.

Instead of having a little break they were being worked like dogs, their schedules packed, literally leaving them no time to breathe.

It was three days before their first concert of this leg of the tour, their first concert taking place in Dublin, when Harry started to notice that feeling inside of his stomach.

He was tired and in desperate need of some sleep. They all were. Things were awkward between the five boys because for the first time in forever the boys didn’t come to his rescue about their schedule. On a normal occasion they would be on management’s throats, telling them to stop but they kept quiet and Harry didn’t want to say anything either. He was scared that the others would laugh about him or that management would tell him to suck it up or leave the band and he wasn’t up for such conversation.

Harry was the first one who woke up on Tuesday morning, his boyfriends still snoring right next to him. He had barely been able to sleep, his body feeling tired and worn out whilst his brain had decided to confront Harry with all of his problems and insecurities instead of shutting up.

They had come home late, their photoshoot taking a lot longer than expected and Harry had been the first to head straight to bed, the others deciding to play a bit of Fifa instead. Usually they would’ve asked Harry if he was doing okay or gone to bed with him but when Harry had turned around once again before leaving the living room they had all been laughing over some jokes that Louis had told, not caring about Harry in the slightest.

Harry had instantly wondered what had happened between the five of them. He still had no idea if he had done something wrong. Maybe he was just misinterpreting things? Or maybe not?

Harry had always feared that the boys were going to get tired of him one day. He knew that he was far from perfect and his lovers needed to put up with him. They didn’t have insecurities like Harry had, didn’t freak out when their days were more packed than usual, were capable of speaking up for themselves. Harry was just the baby. He was the youngest and the others were probably starting to realize how much of a baby he actually was.

He got out off bed and decided to let the others sleep a little while longer, making his way downstairs.

Looking out of the window Harry saw clouds dominating the morning sky, leaving transitory patches of blue. Though they were mostly while there was a hit of greyness, a suggestion that rain may play a part in the day to come.

Not knowing what their schedule held for today, Harry prepared breakfast for his boyfriends, wanting to surprise them with self-made pancakes.

Once Harry was done he sat down at the kitchen table, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He was sipping on the hot liquid when their doorbell rang all of a sudden. Glancing at the clock the curly haired boy realized that it was only 7.23 in the morning, way too early for someone to come around.

He shuffled into the hallway and to their door, opening it. Nate was standing in front of it, looking stressed as fuck.

“Oh good you’re already awake,” he stated and stepped into the house, Harry standing there dumbfounded. “Where are the others?”

“They’re still sleeping,” he replied and followed Nate into the kitchen where the man didn’t waste his time pouring himself some coffee as well and eyeing the pancakes.

“What are you doing here?” Harry questioned after a few more seconds.

“I came to pick you up. We’ve got a change of plans and I need you on set in an hour,” the man replied while Harry only shook his head. He definitely wasn’t doing this.

“What set? What’s going on again? You put this schedule together for us and now you keep adding more and more things to it. This is too much!” he argued, pulse rising, his voice a little louder than usual.

It appeared that Nate was in a bad mood today because he only glared at the curly haired boy, green eyes meeting brown ones.

“You know the business. Right now the fans are going crazy about you and we need every single one of them. You’re the biggest boyband at the moment and the others are okay with it. You’re the weak spot in this band and if you can’t keep up then you might need to rethink your decision of being in this band because you’re actually holding the others back! Now get the others up and get dressed we have to leave!”

Harry’s mouth was agape, shock written all over his face. Nate’s words were echoing in his head, tears forming in his eyes. _You’re holding the others back!_

It had always been one of Harry’s biggest fears – his anxiety getting in the way of their success. He had promised himself to never let his boyfriends down but what if Nate was right and he was holding them back? Liam, Louis, Niall and Zayn didn’t seem to have a problem with their packed schedule like he did. They were always happy, not once bothering to ask for a little break while Harry on the other hand freaked out by the smallest incident.

He could always count on his lovers about having his back but right new he stood in the kitchen, completely defenseless and shocked, no one coming to his rescue. On a normal occasion either Louis or Zayn would’ve thrown a punch at Nate but not today, today he was alone in this.

Taking a deep breath and trying to stop the tears from falling Harry made his way upstairs to wake up his lovers.

*

Harry quickly learned the hard way that the following days were just as bad. Ever since Nate had threatened him, Harry had made sure that he never said anything about needing a break anymore.

They were now back on the road, having played their first sold-out concert at Croke Park in Dublin. This had been Niall’s homecoming gig and he had been so happy about it that Harry had forgotten about his own sorrows the entire time whilst being on stage.

It was a common routine now that the boys checked Harry’s arms every day, making sure that he hadn’t hurt himself again but were still too busy to notice that Harry was slowly slipping away.

Harry had the entire team around himself whenever the other boys were too busy to spend time with him and they were all lovely, putting a smile on his face in the matter of seconds but the feeling inside of his stomach still remained.

When Harry woke up on their second day in Dublin he was surprised to see no one lying next to him in bed. Reaching over the night stand to get his phone, he came in contact with a piece of paper, picking it up confused.

 

_Didn’t want to wake you up. We’re downstairs having breakfast! Xxx_

The curly haired boy quickly recognized the handwriting as Zayn’s and then checked the time, noticing that he had slept for nearly eight hours, his body having obviously been in desperate need of some sleep.

He quickly checked the important apps on his phone, looking if his mother had texted him like she had promised, before opening Twitter. It was like an addiction to go online and see what people had to say about him even though the things they were saying weren’t always nice. Harry had always been a person who cared a lot about what others had to say about him even though he didn’t like to admit it.

He never understood how people could say such cruel things to each other online, some of the tweets could actually count as cyber bullying. He knew that most people wouldn’t dare to say these things out loud, rather hiding behind their keyboard.

So when Harry typed in “Harry Styles” in the search bar he was bombarded by tweets about himself. He read through them, smiling when he read something nice about him but even one ten nice tweets didn’t stop him from feeling hurt when he read one rude one. And today there apparently was more than one rude tweet.

 

 

_Went to see @onedirection yesterday and Harry Styles was acting like an absolute fool on stage. Wondering if he was high.._

 

_Harry Styles is the weakest singer of One Direction. Don’t fight me on this! Barely hit the notes last night!_

 

_Did Harry Styles gain some weight? He looked quite big at Croke Park yesterday.. Wondering when the other boys are finally breaking up with him.._

 

_Wow, Harry Styles dresses so bad that even I had to cringe when he came on stage. This bandana in his way too long hair – absolutely ridiculous._

 

The list went on and on and Harry only read tweets like this, not even caring about all the others where people were saying how beautiful he was or how talented.

As much as he tried to hold in in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The tears started falling down one after another without a sign of stopping some time soon. He fell back down on the bed, his hand hitting the mattress over and over again. He wasn’t good enough and even his boyfriends had to know. They were slowly spending less and less time with him, probably getting tired of him as well.

Harry then sat up again, bringing his knees to his chest, gripping on his curls, nearly ripping them out when it hit him. Did he really gain some weight?

Getting out of bed, his vision blurred by the tears rolling down his cheeks. He stumbled into the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror.

Pinching on his skin Harry quickly noticed that there was indeed some fat on his body. He knew that his boyfriends didn’t look like this, knew that their bodies were defined by muscles, no sigh of some extra pounds.

_Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat_

The words were running through Harry’s head then and before he even thought about it, he knelt down in front of the toilet and jammed his finger down his throat, gagging at first until the vomit surged out of him.

It splattered into the porcelain bowl and he wiped his finger on his shirt before he started dry-heaving. That was when he heard his boyfriends walk back into the room.

_3.2.1.._

He counted in his head and winced when he heard the girlish scream coming from Zayn when he spotted his boyfriend kneeling in front of the toilet in their bathroom.

Louis, Liam, Niall and Zayn had gone downstairs to get some breakfast, the Irish boy whining about how hungry he was. They had decided to let Harry sleep a little while longer, wanting him to get as much sleep as possible.

They had actually thought that Harry would catch up with them anyway but when he hadn’t shown up they had made their way back upstairs, expecting Harry to be still sound asleep.

“Maybe his body was in desperate need of getting some rest,” Niall stated and shrugged as he ran the card through the card holder, unlocking the door.

They were greeted with silence, the bed empty and unmade, no sign of Harry.

“Maybe he’s in…,” Liam started saying only to stop when Zayn let out a girlish scream.

The raven haired boy was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, having crossed the room faster than Liam. All of the boys hearts sped up instantly, memories from the incident last year rushing back to their minds.

When they laid eyes on Harry they felt relief wash over their bodies. The boys was in one piece. Kneeling in front of the toilet and obviously throwing up but he wasn’t bleeding at least.

“Oh babe,” Zayn said and rushed over to his lover, sinking down to his knees right  next to him.

“What’s wrong Hazza?”

Harry then looked up and thankfully accepted a glass of water that Louis was offering, taking a few sips. He knew well enough that he couldn’t tell his boyfriends the truth and so he only shrugged his shoulders.

“Guess I ate something wrong,” he mumbled without looking up.

Liam looked concerned, taking in Harry’s appearance, helping the younger boy back into a standing position, wrapping his arms securely around him.

“Do you feel okay? Do we need to cancel the show?”

Liam really was the daddy of their band. He was the one person who always made sure that everyone was okay. Without him they would really be just a bunch of teenagers having the time of their lives, not caring about their responsibilities but Liam had always taken this job a lot more serious and so they had given him the nickname “Daddy Direction”.

Harry shook his head, curly bouncing from the movement. He wiped at his eyes, getting rid of the tears that had decorated his cheeks.

“I just need to lie down a little bit. I’ll be okay,” Harry replied, smiling softly.

“Let’s get you to bed then,” louis stated and they all walked back into the room, helping Harry to lie down.

Liam once again played mother hen, making sure that Harry was comfortable, asking him constantly if there was anything he needed.

“Do you want some tea? Something to eat? Some Tylenol?”

The curly haired boy buried his head in the pillow, smiling lightly when he felt someone wrap his arms around him from behind. He knew that it was Niall when he looked at the boys’ arms and there wasn’t a single tattoo decorating his skin.

“Get some rest now. We’ll be here when you wake up!”

Harry fell asleep moments later, drifting into a peaceful sleep while the other boys looked at him concerned, worry on their faces.

“Do you think that he’s telling the truth?” Zayn asked after a little while.

“He’s doing good lately. We had so many more things to do and he never complained or said something about needing a break. Maybe he really ate something wrong,” Liam argued but shrugged.

Harry had been okay lately. He had been smiling a lot, spending time with everyone, not saying anything about being stressed and he had promised them to do so. Yes he was tired but that was understandable. They all were.

It was about one a half hours later when Harry woke up. His boyfriends were lying next to him in bed, cuddling and watching TV quietly, not wanting to disturb their youngest lover.

He yawned and turned over to face them, their faces full up worry and he instantly felt bad for making them worry about him in the first place.

“Hey babe,” Louis said with this sweet voice and green eyes locked with blue ones for a moment.

“Hey,” Harry replied, his voice raspy, throat a little bit sore from throwing up earlier that day.

His mind was still running circles, constantly attacking him with words but Harry tried his best to ignore it.

“How are you feeling?”

“Bit better. I don’t feel sick anymore,” Harry answered honestly.

Of course he didn’t feel sick. He hadn’t felt sick before, simply deciding to cause himself to throw up because he was too fat and imperfect but he knew better than to tell his boyfriends about this.

“You’re up for the show tonight then?” Niall asked hopefully, and grinned widely when harry nodded his head.

“Amazing,” the Irish boy clapped his hands and then looked at Harry once more. “Would it be okay for you if I go out and meet up with my mum, pet?”

Harry was quick to nod his head, actually wanting to meet up with Maura as well but not feeling like it. He didn’t feel like plastering a smile to his face, laughing and smiling. He had to do this tonight anyways and it always tired him out.

“I’m going to catch some more sleep to make sure I’m fit tonight but you boys go out and meet up with Maura,” Harry told his boyfriends, trying his best to sound convincing.

“Harry I don’t know,” Zayn started but the curly haired boy was determind to have some more time for himself.

“Come on you don’t have to be stuck here with me. I’m just going to sleep a little while longer. You guys go out and have some fun!”

“Are you sure?”

“100 percent. I’m fine and If I need anything I’ll give you a call!”

*

Exactly 45 minutes later Harry was alone in the hotel room, sighing in relief. He had promised his boyfriends to text them if he felt sick again but knew that he’d rather be alone. He needed to be alone to let his walls crumble down, to be completely defenseless.

The emptiness was hiding everywhere and he knew that he wasn’t getting away from it.

It actually reminded him of his childhood, feeling like the emptiness he was feeling was the monster under his bed. He needed it. Needed to feel something because lately Harry just felt lost.

He had this daily routing like getting up and then it was nothing else than having to function. Being in the business meant that you had to be perfect. No time for self-doubts, not time for feeling sad or angry over something. It was always just smiling and working. Interviews, photo shootings, management constantly on their throats, silencing them, travelling, being jetlagged and then starting it all over again.

Harry needed to feel something. He needed something to go to shit, something to be imperfect, thinking that he would feel safer if something was wrong.

He needed to monster under the bed to distract himself from everything else but simply from himself, letting the monster know that there was another one sleeping right about it.

Harry felt empty. He felt like he was drowning again and at the same time he felt the pressure. The pressure of being in this band, the pressure of not messing up and of having to be perfect.

Harry was so caught up in this circle of bad thought that he felt like he was functionating on auto-pilot.

It then suddenly rushed to his mind that he had indeed found a way out of his last year and so he got up and walked over to the bathroom, locking the door behind him just in case.

He rummaged through some of their beauty bags until he held some manicure scissors in his hand.

Knowing that he couldn’t cut his wrists and that the boys would probably also see if he cut on his thighs, Harry got out of his socks.

He sat down on the cold bathroom floor, brining his knees to his chest, holding the scissors to his ankle. He pressed down a little bit, wincing at the pain. Moving the blade over his ankle Harry suddenly felt like he was floating.

He did feel the pain take over, leaving no space for the dark thoughts running through his head.

The pain was bearable but the red crimson dripping down on the tiles fascinated Harry and so he slashed the blade over his ankle once again. And again. And again.

_Worthless_

_Fat_

_Disgusting_

_Bad singer_

_Annoying_

_Ugly_

Each thought now represented one cut and once Harry was done he reached for some toilet paper to press on the cuts, wincing as it stung badly. He continued to sit there for another twenty minutes until the bleeding had stopped and he was left with the pain.

The pain was comforting in some way, making Harry realize that he was still alive, that he had just punished himself for being imperfect.

Maybe he had found a way out to get rid of the feeling inside of him.

*

Days went by and Harry was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. He thought that he was doing the right thing but cutting on his ankles, numbing the emotional pain and letting the physical pain take over instead.

Harry only cut on his ankles, the boys still checking his wrists every day. He did a perfect job keeping the walls up, not allowing himself to crumble in front of anyone. Harry was smiling, laughing and having fun with his boyfriends, the demons inside of him always on alert.

The curly haired boy had learned how to smile when he actually felt like crying, how to keep going when he just wanted to break down. He had even learned how to throw up properly after having eaten too much.

Their manager had once again ordered for them to do more work than planned, wanting them to record even more songs for their upcoming album.

Harry knew that his boyfriends were stressed as well, hating to work so much. They wanted to enjoy their time on the road, to explore some new places and now they were stuck inside of their self-made studio nearly every minute.

The curly haired boy had learned how to cope with his own insecurities. He let his guards down whenever he was alone, checking his twitter account to see what everyone had to say about him. He then pressed the scissors to his ankles, decorating the skin with fresh cuts, some of the getting deeper than others, while tears run down his cheeks.

He was still there physically but not mentally and while he thought that he was doing a perfect job the other boys were slowly realizing that something was wrong.

With their busy schedule it wasn’t easy for them to notice that something was up but Louis was the first one to notice Harry’s pants looking too big for him. The curly haired boy had always been skinny but right now even his skinny jeans looked too big on his thighs and it made Louis wonder if his boyfriend had lost some weight.

Niall noticed on night when they were on stage. He watched Harry dance around, smiling and waving to the fans, a big smile plastered to his face. Once the song was over Harry however turned away from the crowd and took a deep breath, a sad expression washing over his face before it was replaced by a smile once more before Harry turned around to face to crowd.

Liam became nervous about Harry’s health when they were standing backstage at Wembley Stadium, some lucky fans getting the chance to meet them. They were all chatting happily, Liam standing quite close to Harry when this one particular girl walked over to the curly haired boy. She wrapped his arms around Harry, whispering something into his ear and when the pulled apart Liam could’ve sworn that he saw tears glistening in Harry’s eyes.

Ever since the start of their tour the boys had been too tired to be sexual active, doing nothing else than cuddling and kissing at the moment. No one really complained, knowing that their love was way deeper than the need to constantly have sex and so Zayn wasn’t surprised when Harry pushed him away one day when he approached his lover, pinning him to the wall, crashing his lips to Harry’s. Zayn had then became really worried when Harry had quietly whispered the words:” Not today, I’m not good enough.” before slipping out of his grip and walking away.

The boys were all alarmed, watching every step Harry took. The watched him interact with Lou and her daughter, shaking their heads at how stupid they were. Harry was obviously okay. He was probably just tired.

*

Things came crashing down a few days later. The boys were currently staying in Paris, having to play two shows there tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. They had arrived earlier today, feeling relieved when their manager had told them to rest up a little bit.

An a normal occasion the boys would’ve taken the chance to head out and explore the city by night or to go to a club but they were all too tired, feeling desperate to get some sleep and so immediately collapsed into bed, thoroughly exhausted.

Niall was awoken by the sound of rustling a few hours later. He turned over to see Harry sat up in his bed. Curios as to what was upsetting his boyfriend Niall feigned sleep, keeping his eyes open just enough to see Harry’s movements.

The curly haired boy just sat there for a while, hugging his knees to his chest, obviously in deep thought. Niall didn’t miss the labored breathing, proving that he was on the verge of breaking down. This was the point when Niall took on his role as protector and made his consciousness known.

He turned on the lights, waking the others up in the process.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Harry jumped and spun around to look at his boyfriends’ concerned face. He quickly tried to compose himself but failed miserably. Zayn was grunting now, cracking his eyes open slowly just like Liam and Louis.

“Nothing, go back to sleep,” Harry said but his voice was strained.

The other boys were more awake now, looking between Harry and Niall confused.

“Come on. We’ve seen it the past few weeks. Something is wrong with you, so out with it,” Niall demanded.

Harry wasn’t having any of it and tried to roll over but Liam stopped him, by placing a hand on his lover’s shoulder.

“Harry we’re all worried about you. Is it the job? Is it getting too much again?”

Harry bit his bottom lip, not knowing what to say so he continued to stare down at the blankets, moving a little bit until he was completely free from the covers. A short gasp coming from Louis was all it took for him to realize that he had been caught.

He looked down and quickly realized that his sock had rolled down on his right foot, exposing the angry looking self-induced cuts on his ankle.

Suddenly arms wrapped around him, voices whispering into his ear.

“Shit Harry what is this?”

“Oh No. Babe why didn’t you talk to us?”

“Harry please talk to us!”

The voices were loud, begging Harry to talk to them but the curly haired boy simply didn’t know how to. He then let his guards down and started crying.

He cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry so raw that even the eyes of his boyfriends were suddenly wet with tears.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed over and over again, his body violently shaking.

When the wracking sobs passed he cried in such a desolate way that no-one could bare to listen for long. He had gone from being a happy twenty-year old boy to hanging by a thread.

*

Liam, Niall, Louis and Zayn watched in shock as Harry broke down. Their eyes were still fixed on the cuts on his ankles, making them feel guilty for not realizing that something had been so wrong. They knew well enough that Harry had hurt himself for quite a while for the cuts to look like this.

They wrapped Harry into a tight embrace, caressing his skin, running their hands through his hair, touching him sweetly. Their eyes were wet with tears when the listened to the heart-breaking sobs coming from Harry.

This wasn’t right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Harry was such a funny, happy and lovely boy. He wasn’t supposed to go through this. He wasn’t supposed to feel this sad, to be this broken. It pained them to see him like that. He looked like the whole word had vanished from him. Now there was only pain enough to break him, pain enough to change him beyond recognition.

The witnessed Harry’s floodgates open. So many tears burst forth like water from a waterfall, spilling down his face. Harry was breathing heavier than he had ever before. He was gasping for air that simply wasn’t there. Saliva was dripping from behind his teeth and onto his lap.

“Shh Hazza please calm down,” Liam whispered and pulled Harry closer, trying to get him to lie on his chest, knowing that his own heartbeat might calm the boy down.

Harry chanted the words “I’m sorry” like a mantra and even though they didn’t know the reason behind all of this right now they knew that they were going to do whatever they could to make sure that Harry was okay.

The boys didn’t care about their careers, didn’t care if they had to cancel a show or two or maybe even the entire tour, didn’t care if they had an album ready by November, didn’t care about anything. They only cared for their boyfriend who looked to broken a fragile that it simply broke their hearts.

Imagining Harry sitting somewhere by himself to cut on his ankles made Niall feel sick to his stomach. He wanted to be there for his lover, wanted to be the one who held him close whenever he felt down, wanted to be a night in shining armor for Harry.

Louis’ was humming “Little Things” while Liam held Harry close, Zayn running his hands through Harry’s curls and Niall plastering kisses on Harry’s body.

They stayed like this for a while until Harry had calmed down enough. A talk about this was inevitable and Liam decided to do it right now.

“Hazza we need to talk about this,” he said softly, placing a kiss to Harry’s curls.

The younger boy was still shaking violently, squeezing his eyes shut.

“’nt want to,” he mumbled but the boys weren’t having any of this.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Zayn questioned, preparing for the worst.

Harry looked up slowly, meeting all of his boyfriends eyes. He looked into their eyes and saw nothing but worry, concern and love. He was surprised because he had expected his lovers to be disgusted or maybe even annoyed by him but they were all worried about him and Harry felt his heart flutter at the thought of his boyfriends still caring about him.

While Harry didn’t know what to say Louis pulled Harry’s second sock down as well, revealing even more cuts. Dozens of scars were dug into his body. Older ones. Newer ones.

There were some cuts that were fresh. Still puffy, red and bloody. Louis gently brushed his fingers across them and then his hand trailed up his lovers body. He couldn’t get over the fact that Harry carved a blade into his skin. Clean, deep cuts, just to wipe away his pain. He had probably thought that cutting himself would fix it, causing physical pain to take over his mental pain.

“Babe I can’t lose you, we all can’t. We’re going to get you help. You’re going to get better,” Louis promised when Harry had yet to answer Zayn’s question.

It was when Harry looked back at him, his green eyes dull and lifeless but also full of hope, when Louis realized that it wasn’t too late. There was still a chance of fixing Harry and they were determined to help their lover. They were in this together.

“We love you so much Hazza. We’re going to find a way!” Niall said as well while fresh tears rolled down Harry’s cheeks.

“I love you too,” he whispered and then fell asleep in his boyfriends arms, feeling like everything was going to be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
